The Inevitable Dilemma of Perfectionism
Authenticity, Kate Middleton's dilemma, and what we must remember
Social media, with all its faults and fakenesses, absolutely also has its pros and I think you and I both know that.
Even if we see looming Time articles from recent years that tell us that Instagram in all of its aesthetic cuteness can promote several indicators of depression, we’ve got some good reasons for using it nonetheless and most of the time, we scroll on with caution.
Why? There’s a bit of shared joy and eudaimonia when we get to, at least seemingly, cross time and space barriers to exchange bits of life’s greatest moments with those near and far online, strangers and friends alike.
As a parent, I’ve replaced my mom’s version of her wallet’s plastic photo holder that came complete with free purse crumbs that I could pull out and wipe off during church sermons with something sleeker in IG. Now my babies are “stored” in little online cubes that forever hold my children’s most compelling moments in a quantum “phantom zone” if you will.
I rather like seeing them all in one neat spot and love when the old pics show up, hard as it is to see time gone by. Each memory was hard-fought for and it’s a welcome reminder that these times existed with loved ones at this time or that - as my mom said post-stroke when she was feeble to my dad, “Tell them we had our day.”
Just today I got a FB picture reminder of a “Teens on Target” girls’ beach trip I took with about ten girls who are now all graduating soon or have already done so. My heart was deeply touched at this moment as I lingered over each winsome face who has by now (but not yet then at age twelve when photographed) sweated over entrance exams, linear equations, crush heartaches, menstrual cycles, and so much more after COVID! In fact, I was at a Starbucks with these same precious teen sweeties when we found out about Covid together from a friend from China.
Many of them I haven’t seen much of since - it was such a dividing time. To be honest, Instagram has kept us connected, painful as it is to remember our parting. I love seeing their pics and cheering them on from afar. You and I are obviously connecting now and here, heart to heart, if you’re still reading (thank you) the same way.
However, because of the very public nature of all of this social media, many of us don’t want to share our darkest and deepest moments there. Thus we still have awful dilemmas like Princess Kate’s today. We too present as edited, stoic and strong, without need and sadly, without the social support that could be helpful as a rallying battle cry in times of need. Whatever is going on for her right now, instead of getting compassion, her silence has created a story of its own and she’s now suffering on top of being part of something becoming sadly farcical.
And no one is blaming her, at least I hope not.
She’s had to hold up the old reign of keeping her cards close to her chest as a princess destined for queenhood and exemplary duty.
Yet as her body revolted, even if her will did not (relatable at times), she’s also a 1980s kid now grown who was likely fed processed food as a child (how are any of us still alive?) and needed to rest after abdomen surgery in peace.
Like you, dear reader, I wish that she too could at least aim to become more authentic. Someone like me, a Perceiver on the MBTI (and a wildish Enneagram 7, no less) loves this kind of growth for humanity. Not that I don’t struggle, too.
As we hit our weekend a bit differently with all of this running amuck during the typically quieter days of Lent, thank you to all of you who have been part of this move toward authenticity at some time or other, in big ways or small.
For instance, I love that the at-first scary and unhealthy Gen X nihilism eventually gave way to Millenial wakefulness and honesty about what was wrong in culture. We see justice-fighters rallying together for more voices being heard, yes even for those not societally “perfect” according to evolutionary fertility markers.
I am especially happy about this given the scary social psychology stats my daughter is studying this semester about the “halo effect” and attractive people getting more and farther in life. She is telling me how sad this is and I say, “I know honey, and you are waking me up from my apathy and resignedness.” We can do better together.
These fights for authenticity, even if you don’t love it as much as me, are not meaningless to any of us. It isn’t just the princess that is in danger if we only allow for fake, plastic knowing of one another’s highlights and editing app strategies for likeability.
No, no one is safe if we deem perfection alone is acceptable. In addition to people lambasting younger adults like Seline Gomez for sharing her life-threatening lupus when she “should” just keep quiet and be grateful and sexy and forever young, ableism and ageism too and many more 'isms abound yet. I saw actress Jamie Lee Curtis (my late dad always thought she was so stunning) absolutely and insidiously RAKED over the coals in a Gen X group this week over her audacity to lap dance atop Arnold as a spouse in True Lies. The writer lamented how horrified Arnold must have been having to be with her in her thirties when he could have had a sixteen-year-old in the lobby. (Yes, it was such a vile post and yet it got several laughs.)
Yet despite this dark path to Easter, there is yet light. The fighting for authenticity has given way to artist voices of Gen Z just sharing their life, scars and all, hard as it is (#ibsgirlies and @battlingtobreathe, you have my heart).
We rise more and more when we can bear the honesty of being increasingly real together, versus “perfect,” numb, or apathetic to others’ pain.
Instead of being happy to see others fall, amidst our joy, we need to mourn and suffer together. We need to make that part of it all, a regular part the next gen will continue to value and to work on, even as they too sometimes fall down.
There is deeper wisdom and strength here.
Let’s keep trying to do this intentional growing together in life, in marriage, in parenting, in friendships, and in our world where we continue to fight for compassion and authenticity versus the more savage “might makes right,” where the once-strong and near perfect victors too will fall. Let’s give Kate a softer place to fall, too.
“Never build your emotional life on the weaknesses of others.”
― George Santayana
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I so appreciate this call to authenticity! I think true empathy has to come from deep reflection - and to be honest, most of us just don't take the time. We keep on scrolling. The other day, I found myself having a harsh, judgmental reaction to someone I saw on IG and I stopped myself, realizing how unempathetic I was being and how I have no idea what's going on behind the scenes for that person. But it's easy to let our passing feelings determine actions if we don't pause to consider and reflect. Thanks for the reminder!