In these mid-February days, when we're haunted by the pressure of perfect love – thanks to the Valentine's overlay and heart-shaped expectations everywhere – I'm reminded of a lesson I learned about both speaking truth and making space.
Last Christmas, Wes gave me tickets to a Jane Austen theatrical production in St. Petersburg for Valentine's weekend.
The original date had to shift due to our daughter's schedule, and we gratefully rescheduled to what seemed like perfect timing – our dating anniversary, February 9th. Until we realized it was also Super Bowl Sunday.
"Why don't you take some friends?" he suggested, thinking of the one football game he watches each year, a tradition he shares with family.
The old me might have spun stories about what this meant about us, about love, about choices.
But something I've been learning – beautifully illuminated in Mel Robbins' new book "Let Them" – called me to a different response rather than the typical human response of seeking “our way” for all.
"This is our dating anniversary," I said simply. "This was a gift from you. I want you to be there." No manipulation, no pressure – just truth offered with open hands.
He would have to do what he wanted with that information.
What unfolded next taught me something about love's capacity to hold seemingly competing desires.
Together, we looked at the actual timing and discovered the three-hour play ended well before kickoff. His initial hesitation wasn't about choosing football over our anniversary – it was about his fear of feeling rushed, of not being fully present for either experience.
By speaking truth while making space for his concerns, what initially felt like an either/or situation revealed itself as both/and. He attended both events, fully present for each, and what could have become a story about competing loyalties became one about love's ability to expand beyond our fears.
What we’ve learned, though, goes deeper than just this one resolved moment.
Sometimes our partners do make decisions that trigger our deepest attachment fears – choices that make us want to either cling tighter or step away entirely. In these moments, I want to encourage you - a healthier narrative is possible.
Instead of spinning stories about rejection or disconnection, you can recognize a profound truth: our partners often carry different deeply held beliefs about how to move through the world.
Their survival instincts, shaped by their own histories and experiences, might lead them to different choices than we would make. And here's the beautiful paradox – these very differences can become gifts when we relax our grip on how love "should" look.
This isn't about dismissing our feelings or needs. Rather, it's about widening our lens to see how love and commitment show up in various ways, even when they don't match our immediate hopes. Sometimes, what feels like disconnection in one area is balanced by deep connection in others.
My partner's different approach to time, to social energy, to decision-making – these aren't threats to our love but opportunities to understand each other more fully.
In fact, these moments of tension, when handled with both truth and grace, often strengthen our relationships in unexpected ways. They invite us to move beyond our initial fear responses into a more spacious understanding of love – one that has room for different rhythms, different needs, and yes, different ways of showing up for each other.
In our extended reflection, we'll explore how to navigate these moments when desires seem to conflict, including practical tools for speaking truth while keeping our hearts open. Plus, insights about moving beyond either/or thinking when it comes to love...
For those who want to dive deeper with me in a group coaching setting, check out my new course, The Enneagram Relationship Intensive here.
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