Having the Upper Hand in Love
And the up and down side of putting your cards on the table
Hello friends, and happy Friday.
One of the biggest intrinsic questions I get from couples trying to work out their love issues is and will always be how they can have a better relationship.
They want more intimacy, more fun, more joy, and more zest.
And it’s a great question, the very one that everyone has.
(How will I find my deepest attachment?)
Let me first say that the answer to this question has to have depth and nuance from person to person because personality type greatly influences the answer (Enter, Enneagram + Marriage, hello!).
But by and large, we know that “turning towards” behaviors help couples feel safe and connected. In other words, when one partner requests attention, the other partner needs to give that attention 90% of the time across time, or divorce is predicted in most cases.
But if this appears to be true, and it does, many are left with the question of the sexual instinct in love - the mystery, the back and forth, the “come-find-me-hither” stories of love on the screens and movies we love so much, such as when a rugged male comes and find a soft woman waiting, pining for him after a long time apart where they’ve both gone through something difficult and yet remained steadfast in said pining.
Yes, what about this pursuer-distancer “dance” researcher Sue Johnson popularized in her highly effective and scientifically validated form of couple’s therapy, where we realize the person who distances has the upper hand and more power than the pursuer who puts their cards on the table?
Ultimately, this too deserves our consideration when answering the question about love, which is why I love studying instincts and desires.
This latter pursuer-distancer understanding of how couples move most beautifully together is the theory I put my cards on when I did my MA special project at Wheaton, and before you think the two theories contradictory, it brings up a possible problem only if we consider the aforementioned couples work, Gottman’s principles of turning-towards as the only solution versus just one of several healthy practices.
When we also integrate Sue Johnson’s pursuer-distancer work and a person’s perhaps withdrawing or more assertive personality types, for instance, we see statistically that it is also true that if one of the partners needs or desires more space and the other keeps turning toward them, it can feel overwhelming if the pursuer just pushes more and more, to say the least.
In other words, sometimes putting all of your cards on the table in the direction of your spouse can be detrimental, since it is also true, that in addition to humans needing their partner to turn towards them, humans also need the playfulness that comes from the back-and-forth, hide-and-seek, drawing, mystique of the sexual instinct.
Before you start derailing into Schrodinger’s cat theory about the existential paradoxes of humanity and a cat that is both dead and alive at the same time (spoiler: there is only one cat and I really do feel that it is alive), let me calm you just after I’ve perhaps riled you up a bit.
There is a truth here.
To truly have the upper hand in love, you just need to practice not only turning towards when your partner requests it (and positive attunement and healthy internal scripts). You ALSO need to have your own sense of self-worth and dignity to continually attract them so you’re not smothering them as a constant needy pursuer.
This is easier said than done for those with large shame scripts, a high social instinct for soothing through connectivity, or anyone who strongly relates with the emoting Enneatypes 2, 3, or 4.
In other words, it’s essential if you tend to be the strong pursuer that in addition to showing your partner you care about them deeply and more than anyone else, you also care for yourself, know how to give space, and have self-respect.
Yes, instead of being conjoined at the hip, you need to know that the sexual instinct also involves the gorgeous dance of knowing how to come and go into and out of each others’ lives just a bit.
If you’re in a busy season, this may feel very natural and the flow is already near-perfect or otherwise in need of few shifts, but if you have low self-esteem, few hobbies personally, both work from home, or you’re retired, it may need to be more intentional if you want to invite the best formula for true sexual or deep chemistry back in more fully.
Friend, if this troubles you at all on a deep level, even as you take this note from me today, know that it always troubles me at times, too, at least theoretically.
It simultaneously moves me and breaks my heart that practical love alone loses the glimmer as I remember that in addition to turning towards one another, we truly need the dance of pursuer-distancing for love to more continually bloom (Note: I did not say always bloom, since all long term lovers go through seasons of shadow or quietness at least).
And as much as it may irritate me, I know it works for my own marriage and we’d probably drive each other mad if we didn’t practice the dance of balance here with pursuer-distancing.
I know my husband feels it too when he says the Mumford and Sons song “Woman” reminds him of me (she is mysterious), but of course, somewhere in the practical mind inside of me that Tolkien alludes to in his famous letter to his son here about the general nature of woman versus men, I get it if you wish it didn’t, too.
Sometimes humans, myself included, wish that sheer receptivity and perfect unconditional positive regard were every bit as desirable as a spouse who challenges us and shakes us up a bit, but the interesting comorbid truth is, we both need partners who love us just as we are and also who grow us and challenge us and shake us up a bit.
And, this reminds us once again why we both need some space to just be us and do more self-development and self-acceptance and also time together to let them influence us with those turning toward behaviors that are indeed so important.
So let me be clear about the best formulation for a solution that I have for you today as I go pick up my daughter from her lab this Friday and then go work on this sort of dance with my own spouse as we negotiate our weekend, too…
Put your cards on the table with vulnerability, and don’t actually aim to have the upper hand. That just feels so cold and hard to me, so “might-makes-right”, and everything so awful about humanity at its worst.
But also, please, don’t just fold into nothingness. You are worthy. You are beloved.
Be you. Challenge your spouse also.
Take breaths and take breaks so you can each work, share new things, and above all, listen well to what each of you is learning and how each of you is growing.
Give them space to breathe and let the mystery and attraction and the back and forth continue.
Yet also tell them how much you love them more than anyone else in no uncertain terms. And mean it. Do it. Love is an action. Get busy loving your favorite person, friend, but don’t overwhelm them.
It will be a dance, and it will be an interesting process. Feel free to tell me about it or whether you need help here.
PS: As I leave here, I see Spotify has built me a playlist called “Lyrical Writer Friday Morning” - love it!
